To those people who have always followed their gut decisions and who have never strayed from their inner voices while the world is telling them otherwise, I salute you. To those people who can make a decision at the drop of a hat, who have no problem in sticking to that decision without feeling guilty of not following through with the alternatives, you have the world by a string. You see, the people that don’t obsess over the “what if’s” and don’t worry about whether their decision is the wrong one because their heart and mind trumps all, well, they possess a power that frees them from so many moments of anxiety and anxiousness…it’s a power that few of us experience, but many of us envy. Those people who have always been SO SURE of everything and have been so confident with every move that they make, well, they will never have to experience the creation of crazy, hypothetical, totally over- the-top scenarios that less decisive people experience on an hourly (in my case) basis. From what I want for breakfast, to whether I should stay home and cuddle with my cat or go out for drinks with friends, I have always been someone where decisions of every and any kind do not come easily. I am ALWAYS the last person to order when going out to eat, I can’t go shopping with anyone because I take too long, and I am THAT person in the drive thru line that takes 15 minutes too long to figure out their order. So, you can thank me when the line at McDonald’s is around the block, because I am most likely the cause of it (even though I always end up ordering the same exact thing, but don’t we all).
I have always been envious of those people who have no problem making a decision and sticking to it, so calm, cool and collected, because for me, every decision, no matter the significance or scale of it, is a life or death decision. Needless to say, when I was growing up, I had no idea about what the future held for me. I went from wanting to be an actress, to an astronaut, then to mad scientist who would figure out the key to time travel (don’t ask). No matter how hard I looked or how passionate I was about something, I could never dig deep to my truest self to figure out what it was that I REALLY wanted…every dream and every aspiration was simply temporary and filled the void of not knowing. The idea of trying everything sounded terrific (hence the astronaut idea), but when seriously asked what my passion in life was, you would find an outgoing, talkative girl suddenly quiet. I had absolutely no answer to that…to what I wanted to be when I grew up, to where I wanted to live, and to if I even wanted to get married or not. I couldn’t find my voice…I couldn’t find my words. I not only grew up with this awful disease of “INDECISIVNESS”, but I also carried it with me throughout college, when eventually my university forced me to pick a major because I had been in the indecided program for far too long. No decision ever came easy to me, no decision made was ever made CONFIDENTLY, and it felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
And then I turned 23. Now, I don’t want to get all sentimental and sob story on you here, but it wasn’t until after I graduated from college that I FOUND MYSELF. That I discovered what I wanted to be, who I wanted to become, and what kind of people I wanted to surround myself with. I saw which direction the needle on the compass was pointing, and eventually my indecisiveness faded away. I, finally, after four years of college searching and looking and praying and hoping, realized the person I WOULD become and in reality, WAS becoming.
I have never experienced such an enlightening moment as I did in January 2013, when I started writing. When I started writing not for college papers and not for other people, not for professors and editors, but when I started writing for myself. When I began to interpret all the craziness of the world and when I took all the passion, hope, and inspiration I had and made something tangible and something real out of it….like I suddenly was holding the universe in my hands. When there was a void in my life, words filled it. When there was silence, there were stories to be told. And I slowly, so slowly, became someone I have always wanted to become, someone that my younger self would have envied and would have looked up to. You know how amazing that feels? When you are on the path of life that you have always hoped for yourself? To know that everything in your life will be OK because you can finally, with total assurance, say to yourself that you are right where you are supposed to be, because this is your path, and this is your story.
I have found my VOICE through writing. I have FINALLY developed and molded concrete opinions about life and the way I think it should be lived, and I am not afraid in the slightest to share how I feel and what I think. Above all…above the blog posts and the articles I have shared…above the stories and the interviews, and above the difference I hope I am making, the thing that means the most to me is that my VOICE is FINALLY being heard, in just the way I want it to. I know what I want, I know where I want to be, and I know that I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in, because this is ME. Totally and completely me. People don’t realize that it’s ok to say that you are PROUD of the person you’ve become and the place you’re in, because ultimately, that should be your focus through everything…to be PROUD of yourself…to know that you can handle anything because you know just who you are and nothing can change that.
That is not to say that my indecisive has totally vanished, nor do I think it ever will, because I will ALWAYS take forever to decide what I want to eat for lunch or whether I want to work out or go shopping. But as far as the direction I want my life to go in, I am no longer lost. I am no longer just going through the motions of life hoping that all the answers fall into my lap. Because I HAVE the answers and I know the solutions. I don’t have my life all figured out, actually not at all, but I know I am right where I am supposed to be….I think.
“SHE STOOD IN THE STORM & WHEN THE WIND DID NOT BLOW HER AWAY, SHE ADJUSTED HER SAILS”-ELIZABETH EDWARDS