I’m starting over. Easy as that; nothing else to it.
I’m sitting in the back of a 12 person van winding down a hill in northern Thailand, wondering WHY my blogging has been quite nonexistent. WHY am I not bogging? What is holding me back? Why am I so afraid to put my thoughts into words, my thoughts into writing? It’s almost as if I’m afraid of it, afraid of who is going to read my writing, apprehensive as to what other people will think. It’s all so silly really, especially when writing, blogging and more importantly sharing those passions became such a turning point for me. It was quite a monumental point in my life really, and I’ve subconsciously decided to forgo that because of some made up fear that someone out there will not like or agree with what I have to say.
As any good writer must do and has done, the only response that comes to mind, in such tasteful fashion, is screw it ( you can also insert similar R rated phrase here however I must at least keep this PG. k
I’m not afraid to share how I feel…because feelings make us real, make us genuine, make us UNFORGETTABLE. And in my own little way, that’s exactly what I’m striving to be…unforgettable, even if it’s simply my cat that thinks so. But then again, aren’t we all striving for the same.
I’ve come to Southeast Asia to understand what it is i want and what I really want to be doing. Traveling teaches you so much more than anything you could ever learn in a classroom, anything you could learn behind a desk. Not to discredit either of those things by any means, but it’s one thing to hear about it, it’s another to bare witness to.
My new journey has started, and there are miles upon miles of openness, opportunity and adventure below me, around me, within me. I will never be the person I was one month, six months, one year ago, and that is EXHILARATING. To know that I, through my own power, strength, determination, am making my dreams come true. I am not special and I am not above anything or anyone by pursuing this dream, however, I refuse, absolutely refuse, to settle for less than what I deserve. I’ve been there, done that, for far too long, longer than I want to admit to, and I’m finally in a place where my voice is heard, my opinion taken seriously, and my dreams, my goals, understood.
Chapter one, page one–complete
Now, let’s turn the page.
Remember to remember to remember
Find your voice
We are all travelers
I’m In Love!
…No, not the kind of love you are thinking of. There are no glittery, diamond rings involved, no engagement pictures that look like they could have been swept off of a Pinterest Page, and certainly no long, confessional-style Facebook postings declaring my never ending, till death do us part, love. There is no white dress, no bridal shower being planned, organized, and color-coded, no cake that needs to be taste-tested. You see, I am experiencing a different kind of love, a love that is seemingly forgotten about, a love that is consistently brushed to the side.
I am in love, absolutely head over heels, drunk in love, swept off of my feet in love…with the life I have created for myself.
There I said it. There are no bells, whistles, or wedding bells involved in that statement, but yet, it is the truest, most organic, most powerful statement one can say (maybe next to “I do”). To love your life, to look at everything you have around you, to compare where you once were and where you are now, and to say “THIS is what I’ve always wanted. This is where I am meant to be”, well, there is nothing more empowering, nothing more liberating, than that.
Right now, I am at an age where many of my friends are getting married and taking that next step in life of either getting engaged, getting married, or having children. They are announcing their wedding plans, posting photos of their showers, and making sure that every part of the process is being documented and uploaded for the world to see (does an engagement even exist if you don’t post something on social media about it…haha, just kidding, of course). I am completely happy and supportive for those that know they are ready for such a commitment. This is what they want, and as I always say… to each his own. While I am no where near ready for any kind of commitment like that (hey, I can’t even keep my cat at my own apartment for goodness sakes), I have nothing but an undying respect for those individuals.
But then, naturally, as almost everyone does whether they want to or not, I compare their lives to my own. Why is my life not as “stable” as others my own age, why do I feel like my life has no real sense of “routine”, no real sense of “purpose”? I jump around from event to event, from meeting to meeting, and seem to always be going in a million different directions at once. I can’t even remember when two days were the same in my life, and every day seems to begin and end in a new chapter in my book.
But….I wouldn’t want it any other way.
THIS is the life I have always wanted….one that is filled to the brim, the very tip top edge, of exciting, unique, and completely outrageous things. I feel like I am riding shotgun on a spaceship to Mars…it’s going a million miles a second and you don’t even have a spare moment to wrap your head around what is happening. You can’t even get up to use the restroom, because you are afraid you might miss a glimpse of a shooting star (or ET). The ride might get a little bumpy, a little shaky, and the velocity might temporarily paralyze you, but in the end, this is the exact ride I want nothing more to be on.
No matter what happens in my life, I know that I will always choose happiness. I will always go above and beyond to make sure that no matter where I am or what I am doing, that I am in love with my life before anything else. While the idea of marriage is perfect for some people and for some lifestyles, I can whole heartedly say that it might not be for me…at least, right now anyways. The idea of traveling to India, wandering the streets of Tokyo, helping children in Algeria, visiting Elephant sanctuaries in Thailand…that gets my heart pumping and my bones rattling. Until the idea of marriage can do that, can make me feel that way I do when I think about the things I love, then for now, I am vowing to make sure I live the craziest, most unconventional life possible.
Things are calling me away.
My hair is being pulled by the stars again.”